It happens, troops. In a variety of soul-rending ways, it happens. Mid-stroke, post-jizm, errant jag-rag discovered by mom, cable bill that sports a MILF Hunter pay-per-view charge, stray DVD, internet history on your computer, overheard slapping and grunting, through plain common sense that no one takes that long to shit, etc.
It happens.
And guess what? Unless you’re living in a fundamentalist Christian, self-loathing Catholic, wahhabist Islamic or orthodox household, it shouldn’t be that big a deal. The earth revolves around the sun on its axis. The closer you get to the equator the hotter it gets. You tip 20%. People jerk it and finger it until it comes. This is life.
Yeah, it’s awkward as holy hell to get caught in the act. Especially if you’re caught by your mom. But like any other painful life situation, all you can do is move on. It’s not really the fact that you were touching yourself but the visceral imagery involved. Your mother remembers wiping your ass, so to see you wiping a glob off your kneecap or digging your paws inside of your vagina is startling to say the least. So you need to help her out, and here’s how;
The first thing you need to do after you’ve been caught is BREATHE.
Don’t go rushing to explain. What could you possibly say? “My cock got caught in my hand while I was jack-hammering the air!” “I misplaced my car keys in my vagina!” Give your mom (or dad, sister, brother, grandmother, cleaning lady) some much needed time to process, and then purge, the image from their mind.
Second, when you do emerge from wherever it was you were handling yourself, LEAVE. Don’t come back until way later, when emotions are down and people are tired. This is a situation you can deal with, preferably, over email or the phone, with an agreement to move on.
Third, make a promise to yourself that you’ll be wary of your surroundings next time you decide to deposit your DNA into a wad of tissues or go rooting around inside your vagina for the root of all wordly pleasures. If someone did in fact interrupt you mid-flog/finger, you’re clearly not thinking straight because the door was unlocked. If there are no locks on your doors (i.e; your family is creepy), than what are you doing bringing yourself to the pleasure dome during high-traffic time?
Finally, laugh at yourself! Humility and good humor will serve you for the rest of your life and get you through situations that lesser humans fold up like beach chairs over. Big deal, you got caught fist-fucking yourself! Woo hooo! What’s next, someone’s gonna ‘catch you’ taking a dump?
Look peeps, the second we all start apologizing for squeezing out a little love lotion is the second humanity takes a big ol’ step back.
So you were caught jerking off…fuck it! There are worse things in the world to be caught doing, believe me.
Like fingering your asshole. Now THAT’S awkward.
